Dreaming Out Loud

A blessing, even more than the loss

2007-10-31T20:17:00.000-04:00

...that's the way I am trying to face the death of my kitty, Sassy Mae. It was a blessing to have her, and it is a blessing for her not to suffer any more. Some of you know she was diagnosed with a serious heart condition this past summer and that recently she had been having a lot of trouble breathing. She died just after 7 this morning after a difficult night. My mom was comforting her, and heard. I got up to see if there was anything I could do and she let out one last breath as soon as I joined them.

She's been the sweetest animal I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I'm so glad she was mine for the seven years we had together. I know not everyone believes this - but if you've ever had the honor of loving a pet like her, I think you might - I believe she is with God now, and at peace in a way I can not even imagine vividly.

~If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I’d walk straight up to Heaven and bring you home again~

Breathe easy, SassyCat! Have fun in Heaven, and I'll see you again, someday. You are loved, you little furball!

7 weeks

2007-10-22T18:16:00.001-04:00

so far being pregnant just sucks

I know, I know, it will be totally worth it in the end, and I'll hardly remember all of the hard stuff but right now?

so - for now, I'm just hanging in there and waiting for the good stuff. I know it'll be alright, in the long run.

A new heartbeat

2007-10-02T19:20:00.000-04:00

Recently, my doctor (and several home pregnancy tests before that - none of which I believed) told me that I am going to have a baby. It was, undeniably, a surprise. Are there reasons I should be worried about becoming a mother? Sure. More than one or two, even. The babies father doesn't even live on the same continent as me, for one thing. But I just feel like this baby was meant to be. It certainly beat a lot of odds just being concieved in the first place (I won't go into all the details, in case you were starting to worry ).

It's just meant to be and how can I be anything but happy about it? God has guided me this far in life, and He will continue to guide me now that I'm making decisions for two people instead of just one.

It hasn't seemed quite real to me, yet. There have been some symptoms, a few physical changes which alerted me to some change going on inside of me but it's so new, and it's certainly not obvious to anyone else. In researching this whole 'pregnancy' thing, I've found out that my baby is only about the size of a sesame seed but he/she already has a heartbeat.

How can this be considered anything short of a miracle?

Getting to know you

2007-09-19T10:32:00.000-04:00

My boyfriend Gavin came to stay with me here in Michigan for two weeks at the beginning of September. At first, things were a bit awkward - getting to know each other all over again wasn't easy. There were a lot of little misunderstandings - we have rather different ideas about a lot of things. In the end, however, it turned out that we really do like each other - even love each other- just as much as we suspected we did from our months of talking on the phone and such.

There are lots of little things I learned about him which I could never have known without getting the intense face-to-face time of a crash course 'date' which lasted two whole weeks.

I adore his smile, for one. It's one of my favorite things about him. And he's very quiet - and hard to read. I have to directly ask him quite often what he's thinking. (I'm sure that doesn't get annoying! ;)

All in all, however, despite a lot of little plans having to change and a lot of re-arranging, things turned out well. I'm already saving my pennies so that I can go over to England to visit him this spring.

Wedding Anniversary

2007-08-01T20:38:00.000-04:00

Today would have been my 9th wedding anniversary. While I realize the fact that following through with the divorce was the right thing to do; today is hard because I can't help but feel like a failure.

I've spent my entire adult life with one goal, to be a good partner to my boyfriend/husband. I was only 17 when we met and I fell in love with him. The last three years have been awful, and it was this past January that I finally realized I could not carry this marriage all by myself. Literally, he hadn't even spent the night in the same house as me for a year and a half at that point. He swore it would get better, that it wasn't over, but at some point you have to realize that broke is broke and there is no fixing it.

The past few months have been encouraging; I'm finding new purpose for my life and finding out that I can do a lot of the things which I had chosen not to because he didn't approve. I got a tattoo and a nose ring, I've been working toward a career as a writer. I listen to the music I like, watch the TV programs I want and dress the way I want to dress. There are a lot of good, empowering things that have come about in the past few months.

But I can't help but mourn for the 21 year old girl who had so many dreams, and who thought they were all coming true when she married her best friend in the world nine years ago today.

In restrospect I can see a lot of flaws that were already there, but at the time I thought we were the perfect couple. We were inseperable, and very much in love. It hurts so much to have something that started out like that turn out like this. And I still don't really understand exactly how it happened.

Life is funny that way, I guess. Sometimes, I guess, all you can do is just ... Walk On.

And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong.
Walk on...

my cute sassy cat

2007-07-29T21:23:00.000-04:00

Nose Job

2007-07-27T21:28:00.000-04:00

So I finally got the nose piercing today that I'd been wanting since I was 14 years old (more than half my life). Although I did juggle the possibility of a lip or eyebrow piercing, I realized that I had been thinking about the nose piercing specifically for a very long time and that it was the best bet.

The process was really quick and easy, and I'm really happy with the result.

I sat in the chair chatting with the girl for probably about 4 or 5 minutes while she got out all of her sterilized tools; a clamp, a 16 gauge needle, cotton balls, the jewelry itself etc...

then she cleaned the side of my nose with rubbing alcohol, marked the spot with a surgical marker and showed me in the mirror so I could tell her if I prefered it somewhere else, but she had it placed perfectly the first time

then she used the clamp to keep my nostril open and still/taut

then I closed my eyes when she had the needle and asked if I was ready, because having someone doing something that close to my eyes freaks me out - I tend to close my eyes when getting a haircut even

but she told me to take a deep breath and breath deeply and slowly and then there was a little pressure which lasted maybe 2 or 3 seconds, a sharp sting that was over in 1 or 2 seconds and then I had to wait for maybe 30 seconds more while she threaded the actual jewelry into place.

she cleaned off the little bit of blood, showed me a mirror and gave me after-care instructions. I think the whole thing lasted no more than 10 or 15 minutes tops, and most of that was simple switching from one tool to another, washing, or things of that sort.

She was very friendly and sweet, and said I was a very good customer. And as far as the pain goes, I don't think it really hurt much more than plucking my eyebrows does It did make my eyes water though.

Divorcee'

2007-07-16T10:10:00.000-04:00

It's official; I am a divorcee'. You know what? It's not so bad!

The only concern I had was that the judge would try to re-marry us; after he made a comment about how easily we had made the proceedings and how well we were getting along. There are more than a few people who would have objected to that!

When we said good-bye, my Ex even made a joke about me having to have a better screening process and being more selective before I got married again.

I wish it hadn't had to come to this; but it couldn't have gone any better, all things considered.

The End...

2007-07-15T22:21:00.000-04:00

The divorce proceedings are tomorrow.

I didn't know it was going to hit me like this.

I feel ... I don't know, it's an awful combination of things. Hurt, broken-hearted, lost, like a failure.

I've been with Mark since I was 17, he left almost exactly three years ago, stayed over night once or twice a week for another year, and since then we've seen less and less of each other. But in the years we were together, things were really good. I loved him so much and I really, truly believed it was forever.

Tonight I'm sleeping in the same room I did on the night before my wedding - and tomorrow morning I'll get up, put on a black dress (melodramatic? me? maybe a little I figure I wore an ivory dress for the wedding, so why not ) and then Mark and I will go together to court to stand up and say we don't want our lives to be tied to one another anymore.

I'll still see him - I even truly feel like we will be friends. It's not about HIM, exactly... just, the death of all of the dreams, hopes and plans of my youth

I wouldn't want to be with him, now - it isn't right, with everything that has come between us. There were a lot of lies in the past few years, and I don't think I could ever trust him again. But that doesn't mean I don't still love him, in a way.

He's looked out for me financially, despite all of the other shit, for one thing. He made a promise to take care of me, and that part of the bargain he has kept steadfastly.

But he could not or would not be a husband in any other way. Psychologically speaking, I have identified many different reasons for that from his life. It doesn't really help me, though.

So, in a way, tonight is the end. The proverbial 'death' of one 'me' and tomorrow I will be reborn, a new person with new goals, new needs, and new responsibilities.

It's all been happening little by little, and I think I'm doing well. I even have someone to start over with, a man I already love and am looking forward to seeing where our relationship might go, now that we can have one. But there is just something about making it official that has stirred up all of the grief again.

I need to let go.

I suppose, really, that that is exactly what [I]this[/I] is. The eulogy of the old me, my old self, my old life. Goodbye to the dreams of my youth, the family I tried so hard to make, goodbye to a love that shone so brightly for awhile and which burned me so badly in the end.

But good-bye, The End, isn't so bad. In fact, the cliche's are true after all - good-bye leads to hello, the end of one thing is the beginning of another, one door closes and another opens etc...

So tonight I suppose it's only right that I mourn the past, but tomorrow I will not only say good-bye to my old life, but hello to a whole new life.

~'I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.' - Lewis Carroll

This is Not Justice

2007-07-12T20:36:00.000-04:00

First I direct you to this article:

A Nebraska judge bans the word rape from his courtroom.

By Dahlia Lithwick

Posted Wednesday, June 20, 2007, at 7:27 PM ET

here: http://slate.com/id/2168758/

An accuser can be prohibited from using the word rape on the witness stand
Usually we leave it up to the linguists and philosophers to muse on the crazy relationship between words and their meanings. In the law, words—the important ones, at least—are defined narrowly, and judges, lawyers, and jurors are trusted to understand their meanings. It's precisely because language is so powerful in a courtroom that we treat it so reverently.

Yet a Nebraska district judge, Jeffre Cheuvront, suddenly finds himself in a war of words with attorneys on both sides of a sexual assault trial. More worrisome, he appears to be at war with language itself, and his paradoxical answer is to ban it: Last fall, Cheuvront granted a motion by defense attorneys barring the use of the words rape, sexual assault, victim, assailant, and sexual assault kit from the trial of Pamir Safi—accused of raping Tory Bowen in October 2004.

Safi's first trial resulted in a hung jury last November when jurors deadlocked 7-5. Responding to Cheuvront's initial language ban—which will be in force again when Safi is retried in July—prosecutors upped the ante last month by seeking to have words like sex and intercourse barred from the courtroom as well. The judge denied that motion, evidently on the theory that there would be no words left to describe the sex act at all. The result is that the defense and the prosecution are both left to use the same word—sex—to describe either forcible sexual assault, or benign consensual intercourse. As for the jurors, they'll just have to read the witnesses' eyebrows to sort out the difference.

and then this article

Judge declares mistrial in Safi case
By the Lincoln Journal Star
Thursday, Jul 12, 2007 - 01:05:18 pm CDT

Concerned by extensive news media coverage and public demonstrations in the sexual assault trial of a Lincoln man, Lancaster County District Judge Jeffre Cheuvront declared a mistrial this morning, the fourth day of jury selection.

Cheuvront said the “glut of publicity” as well as public demonstrations outside the courthouse and Capitol Building this week caused him to doubt the court could seat an impartial jury.

“It would be asking too much to ask a jury not to be influenced by some of this activity,” he said in courtroom filled with about 30 prospective jurors.

About 75 people were called to the jury pool. Some 45 of them were later excused, often because of what they had seen or heard about the case from the news media.

The mistrial is the second in the case, state of Nebraska v. Pamir Safi. The first trial ended in a hung jury in November.

It was unclear early Thursday what will happen next in the case. Cheuvront said the case, if tried again, might have to be moved to another jurisdiction in the state.

Safi, 33, is accused of sexually assaulting then 21-year-old University of Nebraska Lincoln student Tory Bowen in October 2004.

Clarence Mock, one of Safi’s attorneys, said Thursday the mistrial was the result of a concerted publicity campaign by Bowen and her supporters to influence the jury.

“This is one of the most reprehensible attacks on the judicial system that I’ve seen,” he said. “This is totally the result of Ms. Bowen and her outside agitators to influence the jury.”

Angela Rose, whose Chicago based organization held rallies this week outside the Capitol and County City Building, strongly disputed Mock’s remarks.

“It’s not just me coming to Nebraska,” she said. “People in Nebraska are outraged. They just want justice in the courtroom.”

Rose’s organization, Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment, or PAVE, held the rallies to protest pre-trial orders by Cheuvront that barred witnesses from using works like “rape,” “sexual assault kit,” and “victim” during testimony.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/doc469652152182a872732942.txt

Let's see that sort of logic applied to a murder trial, will you be allowed to refer to the 'victim' as deceased, or will that be too inflamatory?

The detective cannot be refered to as a Homicide investigator, either, and what about the weapon? I'm sure they'll need to come up with a new term for that as well.

Yes, there is a percentage of women who are either evil enough or screwed up enough to misuse the system and file rape charges; that percentage, however is very small. It's a perfect example of how the US legal system is set up to protect the criminal.

It seems women can never relax and think things are truly equal, because I know every time I start to think that I hear a story like this.
Exhausting, indeed.

I applaud the people who stood up and protested this, and thank them for being vocal advocates of a woman's rights.

Love hurts

2007-06-04T15:46:00.000-04:00

for the last two days, my nearly 7 year old cat Sassy has been panting and having trouble breathing, so today I got her to the vet and found out her heart has enlarged to twice it's normal size and is limiting her lung capacity. Her lungs are half full of fluid. We're treating her with medicine to help get rid of the fluid but there isn't really anything to do for her heart. We have to watch her closely and limit her activity. The doctor seems to think we'll know by Thursday or so if she'll be likely to pull through this. Even then she's going to be living with a heart condition. She is the sweetest animal I have ever known, and has seen me through a lot of rough times in the past few years. I can't even begin to explain how supremely terrible this feels.

I could hardly stand up when I heard the phrases 'quality of life' and 'make her more comfortable'. They're supposed to be good things, and I'm grateful to have such a nice vet who is concerned with them - but I still didn't want to have to hear them.

The Dr even kissed Sassy and told her that she loved her - we've been through a lot with this dr over the years but never anything major before. Then she told me we never know; Sassy is full of spirit and cats do have 9 lives, after all.

Happy Birthday Brother

2007-06-04T15:44:00.000-04:00

Today would have been my brother's 35th birthday. It's hard to believe, as I will always think of him as being about 21. He had a huge personality and was always full of life. Losing a sibling is a wound that nothing can truly heal, not even time; the pain just gets more tolerable as you go along. It's a lot like having a limb amputated, I suppose; you get used to it. Just like with an amputatee who has the sensation of a phantom limb, as well, he is such a part of me that I can still feel his presence in my life even now.

Publication

2007-05-21T19:19:00.000-04:00

After receiving only rejection letters in regards to representation of my novel 'The Heiress of Onderon' I have to admit, I had been starting to feel rather down-hearted. It is part of the business, I know; I've always known writing was a hard career to get started in. Still, a little good news can go a long way at a time like this.

So, when I opened my e-mail today and found a message from someone at 'The Lutheran' magazine (not to be ungrateful, but without asking her for permission, I hesitate to publish her name) informing me that the essay which I had submitted to them would be the feature of their weekly e-newsletter on June 12, the Tuesday before Father's Day.

The essay is about the example my father has set for me, for life in general but specifically as a Christian. It means a great deal to me to have such a personal piece selected for publication. It helps to remind me that all of the best, most important things in my life have begun with my family.

(To receive the 'The Lutheran' e-newsletter every week, please go to http://209.200.93.100/template/index.cfm and you'll find the link on the left-hand column.)

Blink of an eye

2007-04-29T21:58:00.000-04:00

This morning, I called my boyfriend; he'd spent the night out with his best friend. He had too much to drink so he slept it off on his buddies couch. When I called, I could tell they were still having fun. I could hear him in the background, still talking, teasingly competing for Gavin's attention. I told him to have a good day, promised I'd call him back tonight and hung up. They were heading out on their motorcycles, which was their perfect way to spend the day, so I felt confident they would.When I called him back tonight, Gav was in tears. He and his friend had been challenged to a race. Gav declined; his bike is older and he hasn't had time to work on it much. His friend accepted the challenge, and died in an accident. Just like that.

So many emotions. Hurt, fear, anger. Part of me wants to slap him and ask him why? Why would you do something so foolish, so reckless? Part of me wants to just cling to Gav and hold him and take as much of the pain and grief off of him I can, share the burden. Part of me is relieved, even because it WASN'T Gav. And of course, I feel guilty about that feeling, too.

Life is so fleeting - sometimes it seems it will last forever. Then in the blink of an eye, it's gone.We'd all be better, I think, if we kept that in mind. We'd be slower to get angry or irritable with one another and quicker to say 'I love you'.

Happily ever after

2007-04-25T19:26:00.000-04:00

When you’re little, they tell you stories that end in ‘happily ever after’. Maybe, once upon a time, there was such a thing as ‘happily ever after’, but in the here and now reality of twenty-first century America there is no ‘happily ever after’ – just the here and now, which may be happy but may also be sad, painful, terrifying or boring.

Instead of spending our time waiting for ‘happily ever after’ we have to learn to accept and what’s more appreciate the moment.

At age seventeen, the first time I kissed the man who would be my husband I felt a rush of emotion, an overwhelming surety that he was my ‘happily ever after’ – the last man I would ever kiss, the man I would spend the rest of my life loving.

At age twenty-eight, finding myself left behind in his past, I had no hope for the future. I had no hope for the moment. For nearly three years, I held my breath. I didn’t move, I barely existed. I remained there, waiting for life to come back, for the path to the happily ever after I’d been promised to be unblocked.

Now, at age thirty, I am learning that there are other paths to other futures, but that no knight in shining armor is going to come and scoop me up and carry me off on his white stallion along one of those paths. I have to choose one and then take the steps myself. I have to carry my own weight and make my way to the next story of my life. It might not be a fairy tale, but there are plenty of other stories in the world which are better suited to a mature woman than fairy tales.

When I was seventeen, I had my fairy tale. When I was twenty eight, my fairy tale came to an end. I could be angry, or hateful or hurt. I’ve been all of those things, as a matter of fact. Now, I’m ready to close the cover on that story of my life and open a new one. It may last for a year or ten years or twenty. I won’t make the mistake of assuming that it will never end and therefore take the middle part for granted; each part of the story is important and precious. I don’t know how many stories I will have while I am here on this earth, or how long any of them will be. I do, however, know now that there is no forever – there is only now. Make the most of it.

Prayers

2007-04-21T11:12:00.000-04:00

For One More Day

2007-04-18T21:04:00.000-04:00

Tonight, around six -thirty (after dinner was over, I had talked to my boyfriend on the phone about nothing, just for the sake of hearing his voice, and before anything remotely interesting was scheduled on TV) I was bored, a little lost for what to do (I just completed the manuscript of my first novel last night - a three year process, and I didn't feel like sitting at the keyboard again just yet) so I ran a nice warm bath and selected one of the books-I've-been-meaning-to-read from my seemingly bottomless books-I've-been-meaning-to-read collection.

I have a tendancy to pick up books because they're in the sale section at Barnes & Noble or keep books that the Book Of The Month Club sent me because I forgot to respond to their monthly mailings; sometimes it seems silly to have books I don't necessarily have any previous interest in reading around. On nights like this, I understand why I can't resist the bargain books and can never send any book away once it's been delivered to me. I'm like a little old lady who can't turn away a stray cat.

Sometimes, those stray-cat books give me a few hours of entertainment and nothing more. That's alright; who can complain about a few hours of entertainment, after all? That's really the point; the reason why we buy most works of fiction in the first place.

Sometimes, though - sometimes you get a glimpse of something bigger, better, brighter - you become a part of something special, and when you are done reading you are not the same as you were when you started.

At about six-thirty tonight I climbed into the bathtub with a copy of Mitch Albom's 'For One More Day' which I had put on the shelf with the thought that I'd heard good things about Mitch Albom's stories and really ought to check him out.

At seven, I had read 1/3 of the book and my toes had gone pruny, forgotten in the warm water.

I climbed out of the tub, toweled off quickly and slid into my flannel PJ's - then settled in to read the rest of the book. It was five minutes before nine PM when I finished the book, bawling like a baby and looking at everything in my life a little differently.

Do yourself the favor of reading this book.

You can buy it at Amazon.com for something like $13.83 or I'm sure at just about any online book retailer or good old fashioned bookstore.

Take the leap

2007-04-14T18:44:00.000-04:00

We want to be together. Not just a little - not for a visit here or there; a week, two weeks stolen from our real life - he wants me to come there, to England. Maybe next spring or summer. I know, it's fast - we're not making any solid plans, I mean we can't even actually get together for a two week visit until this fall; but it sure feels like we have something special. He wanted to come here, at first, so I didn't have to give anything up in order to be with him but where I live, everyone is moving away because there are no jobs to be had. The town is losing money, people and businesses - not just the town, in fact, but the entire state of Michigan is floundering. I know if I could get a visa I could get a job in the city that would help us afford what we need. Maybe, by then, I'll even be selling some of my writing on a regular basis.

Yesterday he said: 'I am SO going to marry you someday. I'll just keep asking until you say yes' I've looked into immigration laws and there is a visa specifically for people who are from different countries who want to pursue a relationship without actually getting married first and then regretting it, so that's what I'm looking into at the moment. It lasts for three to six months depending on who/where/when. There's still a ton of time, space and paperwork between here and there. A lot of things could change. I don't know where it will all lead, but right now? I'm floating! My head is in the clouds - making plans that seem at the same time completely far-fetched, romantic and fantastical but somehow quite possible and real.

This feeling - like all of my life was somehow just practice, leading me to this point in time when my life is really about to begin - is exciting and terrifying and thrilling and amazing...

The idea of moving to a foreign country, even someplace as familiar and similar as England is very exciting, something I've always thought I wanted; but honestly I can't imagine actually doing it just for my own sake. But for Gav? For him, I think I could do almost anything.

And what a blessing to think that I already have two amazing friends in England who would make adjusting that much easier.

I considered going to England for a year once, doing volunteer work with a church program. My now Ex-husband told me I could never do it; no matter how much I thought I wanted to. At the time that may even have been true. I was a different person, then. It's funny what a difference it makes to have someone who loves you and wants to be with you so much; someone who you love so much that you are willing and able to take a leap of faith.

I'm ready to leap. Y

Love, Love, Love

2007-04-14T13:37:00.000-04:00

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything." -Anony.

Challenging myself

2007-04-10T16:58:00.000-04:00

I used to be a skinny little thing. I couldn't even donate blood because I didn't weigh enough. I had no idea back then how lucky I was, and how I should have learned to take better care of myself. In the past few years I have greatly increased my size due to a number of reasons; unhappiness in my marriage, clinical depression, a job which involves long hours seated in front of the computer and little to no excuse for exercise. At the moment I am squeezing into a size 12, nearly 170 pounds at 5 feet and 2 inches tall. My measurements have gotten up to Bust38-waist34-hips42 and I have decided that enough is enough.

So I have decided to challenge myself to be a happier, healthier and yes, skinnier me. I know that the health benefits of a better diet and increased exercise will be worth the effort in and of themselves, but the prospect of looking better and maybe fitting into a size ten (or maybe even size 8) again add quite a bit of motivation.

Today I started a routine of Tai Chi exercises; they are low impact but as I went through the twenty minute routine I could feel the way my muscles strained and definitely believe that these will be good for toning the areas of my body which have gotten too soft. I have also started walking a few miles a week as the weather allows and simply trying to remind myself to get up from behind the desk and move around more. Playing with my cats, stretching, and even dancing on occassion as the mood strikes.

As far as the diet is concerned... well, it's only two days after Easter and I gave up chocolate for Lent. I'll start the diet tomorrow. ;)

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

2007-03-23T23:02:00.000-04:00

Divorce is not a dirty word.

I admit - I've been hiding from it. Nearly three years - two since we really stopped trying to pretend we were going to work it out - and yet we're still legally married. I thought about filing once; even made an appointment with a lawyer but he talked me out of it. Said he really didn't want it to end that way. So tell me - how would you like it to end?I didn't ask that. Maybe I should have.

So what's changed? A lot of things. I'm starting to realize how much better off I am without him, for one. Being with him was like having blinders on; the view of the world he wanted me to have was narrow. I have the support of friends who are just mine, and not ours. I have someone who loves me for who I am, and not who they can make me into. I'm free. Except for that pesky little piece of paper. I'm taking care of that, though.

It will be final by the time the new man in my life - the voice on the end of the line who has awakened the love inside of me which I have denied for far too long, the face in the photo which brightens my day, the spark of hope which ignited the fire which set me free - sets foot on American soil.

I love him already, and that is a priceless gift. I've started to believe in love again.

Loved like that

2007-03-13T19:23:00.000-04:00

I've been going through my music library lately (Doing a lot of sorting and cleaning in many aspects of my life in fact) and I came across a song I used to love when I was in high school.
It made me remember the dreams I used to have about what love was supposed to be, and although it made me cry, it also gave me hope for the future.

Shenandoah - I wanna be loved like that

Natalie Wood gave her heart to James Dean
The high school rebel and the teenage queen
Standin together in an angry world
One boy fightin for one girl
I wanna be loved like that,
I wanna be loved like that
A promise you can't take back
If you're gonna love me
I wanna be loved like that
Daddy never gave Momma a diamond ring
But Momma never wanted for anything
But what he gave her it came from the heart
In a bond that was never torn apart
I wanna be loved like that,
I wanna be loved like that
A promise you can't take back
If you're gonna love me
I wanna be loved like that
An old man kneeling all alone
Plants his flowers in a garden of stone
For seven years now she's been gone
And his devotion is still goin strong
I wanna be loved like that,
I wanna be loved like that
A promise you can't take back
If you're gonna love me,
I wanna be loved like that

Is it really so much to ask? Y

2007-03-06T17:08:00.000-05:00

Thou hast wounded the spirit that loved thee And cherish'd thine image for years; Thou hast taught me at last to forget thee, In secret, in silence, and tears.

~Mrs. David Porter

Poetry

2007-02-06T21:30:00.000-05:00

Indulgent by LA Watkins

Your name lingers on my lips
Like chocolate
Like peanut butter on the roof of my mouth
I say it, again and again
Rolling it over on my tongue
Tasting it, sticky, sweet and smooth
Your voice echoes in my mind
Sweeter than any symphony I’ve ever heard
It gets in my blood and slides along my veins
Filling me up from the inside out

Always alone by LA Watkins

So tired of being alone
So scared of reaching out
So sure I need somebody else
And still so full of doubt
I cry I cry I cry
You can see
I draw back
When you reach out to me
I hope you will wait
I hope you’ll be there
When I am ready
To believe you really care
I hang on tight to my heartache
It’s all I’ve had to hold
There’s no room for someone new,
Until I let go of the old
I remember love, such love
I thought it would last always
Never thought I could waste it all
Wasted it so many ways
I’m alone in the twilight,
Here the voices come again
Each one urging me to come their way
None of them knows my name
No matter what we do,
It seems
We are always alone
Except in our dreams
Reach out, reach out,
As far as I can
Hoping that maybe,
You’ll be there to hold my hand.

never be without you

2007-02-04T17:42:00.000-05:00

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. - Winnie the Pooh (AA Milne)

Have you ever loved someone this much?

Love songs

2007-02-03T12:49:00.000-05:00

Today I want to suggest the song 'Iris' by Goo Goo Dolls. This song was written for/featured on the soundtrack for the movie 'City of Angels' but it applies well to a lot of real-life love situations. Such as Long distance love, for example.

I feel that this song speaks a profound truth about love and human nature, that we just want to be seen by someone whom we love. We want one special person in our lives to really know us.

"Iris' by Goo Goo Dolls (City of Angels OST)

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

The Highwayman

2007-02-02T18:25:00.000-05:00

Possibly my favorite poem of all time is 'The Highwayman' by Alfred Noyes.

It's a celebration of love in all it's stupid, eternal, self-destructive glory.

The line that hits me in the heart every time is "Watch for me by moonlight, I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

Here's the link to the poem in it's entirety : http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-highwayman/

Enjoy!

The shortest month and the longest

2007-02-01T21:35:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of February, both the shortest and longest month of the year in my experience. It may only be 28 or 29 days long, but it is the coldest, dreariest 28 or 29 days of the year. I usually approach the month of February with a sense of dread sitting heavy in the pit of my belly, but this year I am determined to face each day individually and with an appreciation of the fresh start each morning represents. I'm not going to let this February be bad just because there have been a few in the past.

One way I am determined to fight the February blues is by embracing the romantic spirit of February's most famous holiday, St. Valentine's day. Every day, I'm going to try and list a romantic or love related short story, novel, poem, song or movie which has particularly touched my heart and sparked my imagination.

Today I would like to start with Bram Stoker's story 'The Castle of the king'.

This is one of the most beautiful stories I have ever read; dramatic and poetic, just as love should be. It's about a man, a poet, who refuses to be kept apart from his beloved. He is determined to follow her anywhere, even to the castle of the king of death.

You can read this story at http://www.classic-literature.co.uk/ the classic literature library which features free public domain ebooks and classics. This link will take you directly to the story : http://www.classic-literature.co.uk/bram-stoker/the-castle-of-the-king/ .

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Worth a thousand words

2007-01-29T00:06:00.000-05:00

Two of my favorite pictures I've ever taken

The first is my nephew DJ before he could ever say a word, his facial expressions said plenty

and this one is my kitty BV - and I love this picture for a lot of reasons - I don't think words can really explain it

Philosophy on the fly

2007-01-18T13:34:00.000-05:00

Ultimately, I've accepted that life is going to take me where it pleases, no matter how hard I try to swim against the current. It's much nicer if I float along and enjoy the view.

New Years

2007-01-09T23:50:00.000-05:00

My resolution for this year is to stop procrastinating and start submitting my work on a regular basis. Not only do I need the money, but I'm not getting any younger. If I want to be able to call myself an author and back it up, I need to be published. Otherwise I'm just a thirty-year old in the middle of an identity crisis, living off the generosity of my estranged husband and parents.

No one wants to be that person.

I have recently sent in a query letter to one publication now, though I haven't heard back. That one is for an article on faith as it is taught by example. This isn't my most typical style of writing, being non-fiction for one thing, and being short for another.

Although it doesn't translate to my blog, I do tend to be a bit wordy. Much to the chagrine of any poor soul stuck on the phone with me. ;)

I am nearly done with my first full novel length manuscript, and once I finish that I am well into a second. I have several short story ideas that I need to develop and submit, but my focus has been terribly divided for a long time. I'm hoping to get myself organized and tie up a lot of loose ends. I have gotten a bit too involved in hobbies which have consumed a great deal of my energy. While they have served a purpose, time with friends, practice writing, that sort of thing, it's time to get really serious.

Jokes

2006-12-15T01:04:00.000-05:00

My Nephew is six years old, in first grade, and has recently developed a deep and abiding love of telling jokes. Usually he just makes them up as he goes along. His favorite joke at the moment goes something like 'What did the cow say to the farmer?' (You reply: I don't know, what?) 'Moo!'

Once in awhile he starts trying to retell a joke he's heard from his teenage brothers. More often than not this just scares me, because I never know just what kind of joke this was in the first place, but I often suspect it was something he should not have heard and hopefully didn't fully understand.

Every morning, as I'm taking him to school, we listen to a radio program which features a lot of chatter and jokes which are usually mild enough for him. They don't all make sense to him, but they don't all make sense to me, either.

Anyway, the one this morning struck me as particularly funny.

A woman and her daughter spent the day shopping together for the perfect dress for her to wear as mother-of-the bride at the daughter's wedding next month. They had wonderful luck and emerged from the day ecstatic over the purchase, having found "the perfect dress".

The next weekend the daughter visited her dad and the woman he was dating (who was, of course, considerably younger than her mother). She was appalled when her father's girlfriend showed her the dress she was planning to wear to the wedding. It was identical to the one they had just bought for her mother!

The daughter tells the girlfriend what has happened and asks her to return it to the store and choose something else. "I certainly will NOT", the girlfriend replied, "I look absolutely stunning in this dress...it shows off my fabulous figure and the color accentuates my suntan perfectly. No way am I taking it back!"

Heartsick, the daughter broke the bad news to her mother, who responded, "No problem, honey, I'll wear something else. This will be the most special day of your life, and I want it to be absolutely perfect for you."

"Mom, you're the greatest . . . so understanding and supportive. I sure hope you don't have any trouble getting a refund on the dress."

"Oh, I'm not returning the dress", the mother answered. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner!"

The radio program is called Radio Caffeine and it airs on 97.3 WDEE (Northern Michigan)

'tis the season

2006-12-11T08:25:00.000-05:00

At the moment, I would have to say that the following song by Jackson Browne is my favorite modern Christmas song. It isn't a sacred hymn or a Christmas carol by the standards of most people, but it strikes a chord in me and makes me think. Think about God, think about society, and of course, the reason for the season.

It's available on his Greatest Hits CD, but the version I like the most was recorded with The Chieftains for the 'The Bells of Dublin' CD. This CD is, by the way, my favorite Christmas collection of all time. I suppose my love for traditional Irish music has plenty of influence on that, but there is just something very special about this album. If you get the chance to give it a listen, I highly recommend it.

'The Rebel Jesus' by Jackson Browne

All the streets are filled with laughter and light
And the music of the season
And the merchants windows are all bright
With the faces of the children
And the families hurrying to their homes
As the sky darkens and freezes
Theyll be gathering around the hearths and tales
Giving thanks for all Gods graces
And the birth of the rebel Jesus

Well they call him by the prince of peace
And they call him by the savior
And they pray to him upon the seas
And in every bold endeavor
As they fill his churches with their pride and gold
And their faith in him increases
But theyve turned the nature that I worshipped in
From a temple to a robbers den
In the words of the rebel Jesus

We guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why they are poor
They get the same as the rebel Jesus

But please forgive me if I seem
To take the tone of judgement
For Ive no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In this life of hardship and of earthly toil
We have need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasureAnd I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel Jesus.

What does Christmas mean to you?

Today I fell in love....

2006-10-13T23:24:00.000-04:00

With a song. I occassionally like to buy a magazine called 'Paste' (Signs of life in music, film and culture) and in that magazine comes a sampler CD of different artists, different musical styles, things which I might not have been exposed to otherwise. Usually, I enjoy the CD, I might find a new artist to keep my eyes and ears open for, but this was the first time I found a song which struck such a chord with me that I couldn't stop thinking about it. Until today. (This was from the September '06 edition)

This song is titled 'Light up ya lighter' by Michael Franti & Spearhead and is from the album 'Yell Fire!'

Now, I haven't had the chance to check out any of his other music yet, but I've looked up some information on him on the web and have found myself fascinated.

http://www.spearheadvibrations.com/index.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Franti

Here are the lyrics to
Lyrics to Light Up Ya Lighter by Michael Franti and Spearhead

Fire, fire, fire, light up ya lighter,
fire fire fire Armageddon is a deadly day,
Armageddon is a deadly way
They commin for you everyday,
While Senators on holiday

The Army recruiters in the parking lot,
Hustling kids there jugglin pot
Listen young man,
Listen to my plan ,
Gonna make you money,
gonna make you a man

Bom Bom

Here’s what you get,
An M-16 and a Kevlar vest
You might come home with one less leg,
But this thing will surely keep a bullet out of your chest

So Come on Come on, Sign up, Come on
This one’s nothing like Vietnam
Except for the bullets, Except for the bombs,
Except for the youth that’s gone

Chorus So we keep it on, til ya coming home,
Higher and Higher
Fire, fire, fire, light up ya lighter,
fire fire fire, so we keep it on Til ya commin home,
higher and higher Fire, fire, fire,
light up ya lighter, fire fire fire

Tell me President tell if you will,
How many people does a smart bomb kill
How many of em do you think we got,
The General says we never miss a shot
And we never ever ever keep a body count,
we killin so efficiently we can’t keep count
In the Afghan hills the rebels still fightin,
Opium fields keep providin
The best heroin that money can buy
and nobody knows where Osama bin hidin
The press conferences keep on lyin like we don’t know

Some say engine engine number nine,
Machine guns on a New York transit line
The war for oil is a war for the beast,
the war on terror is a war on peace
Tellin you they’re gonna protect you,
Tellin you that they support the troops
Don’t let them fool you with their milk and honey,
No they only want your money
One step forward and two steps back,
Why do veterans get no respect
PTSD and a broken back,
Take a look at where your moneys gone seen
Take a look at what they spend it on
No excuses, No illusions

Light up ya lighter

Something to think about

2006-10-10T22:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, love is less about what you are willing to do and more about what you are willing not to do.

- L.A. Watkins

U2 by U2

2006-10-01T17:13:00.000-04:00

So, I've been lamenting the fact that I thought I was not going to get a copy of the book 'U2 by U2' which I really wanted, but between being short on cash and living in a location where I have to drive quite a distance to get to a bookstore, it seemed impossible. I figured maybe sometime in November, as a late birthday gift, or as a Christmas present. But this afternoon, my sister and I went up to a small bookstore ina town about a 45 minute drive north of where we live. I didn't think they would have it, so when I saw it I was so shocked and excited I actually shouted out loud.

There was ONE copy of it, and I snatched it up and was following my sister around as she looked around at books for herself. Then the clerk came back with these older people and they were looking all over for something, and he was like 'The records in the computer say we have one copy - it hasn't sold yet' and My sister told me I should ask if that was what they were looking for, but I thought it would be rude to taunt them if it WAS what they wanted. I knew for sure that I wasn't giving it up!

But they just stayed there and kept looking, so finally, I was like "are you looking for U2 by U2?"they were like ' yeah' all excited and she looked like she thought she could negotiate for it, but I think she realized her error when she saw the crazed fan-girl look in my eyes which said 'you can have it if you can pry it out of my cold dead hands!'

My sister said I should've used the argument that whoever Bono had kissed should get the book. (He kissed me on the cheek when I met him back in September of 2005) But I had to argue, because Bono has kissed a lot of people!

Needless to say the clerk immediately went to order more copies of it, since it came out on Tuesday and had already sold out. I felt bad that they went away empty handed, but they said they would be traveling to Florida soon, and I figure if they travel a lot (which I don't) they will have more places they can go to get it, and they obviously had the money to spare, which I didn't. $40 is quite a chunk out of my meager budget, but my passion for U2 wins out over smaller needs like food and medicine. ;)

Teaser

2006-09-28T22:22:00.000-04:00

This is a teaser for one of the stories I am currently working on.

It’s you. Everybody always assumes it’s the one who gets all the glory, all the power. They’re wrong, though. You’re the voice in his ear. You stay safely in the shadows, just out of sight. It’s always the quiet ones. Ha! If only people knew just how true that cliché could be.

He’s one of the most influential people in the world, and he’s your pawn.

I’ve always known there was something about you… something more.

And now that I know, what exactly am I supposed to do about it? What can I do but watch? If I look closely, I bet I can even see the strings. Master puppetter that you are, there are some signs that can be seen. If only a person knows just what it is they’re looking for.

I know, now. And I’m watching.

New World

2006-09-13T00:07:00.000-04:00

I was just going through an old journal from 2001 and came across a poem I wrote. It seemed appropriate to share

New World 9-11-01

I wondered, at first, if I was dreaming.
It certainly didn’t seem like anything real.
The world I’ve known, been raised in, is gone
And my heart is too numb to feel.
As I realize this isn’t a nightmare
But I am only just now waking
From the dream which kept me from knowing
what they could be taking
Now, I’m wide awake,
Awake and fully aware
And now, for the first time
I know what it is to be scared.
Gone, the mirage of security,
Shattered the glass walls which surround
As we, a whole nation of people
Are sent tumbling to the ground.
Yet, though we may fall, again
Again we will rise to be righted
For we are one nation, together
In our differences, united

On a lighter note....

2006-08-01T21:44:00.000-04:00

Today being a bit of a challenge for me, emotionally, I think it's time to focus on some light, fun stuff with which to occupy my mind.

Continuing the theme of 'my favorite things':

In my opinion, the three best movies of the year so far:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
X3: the last stand
16 Blocks

Three movies on my "best of all time" list:
The Crow
28 days later
The jacket

Three of my all-time favorite actors:
Johnny Depp
Brendan Fehr
Gerry Butler

Three of my all-time favorite actresses:
Natalie Portman
Diane Lane
Jennifer Lopez

favorite childhood movie:
Walt Disney's Robin Hood

celebrities

Which celebrities are you currently obsessed with?
All members of the Band U2
Actor Brendan Fehr
Footballer David Beckham
Actor Orlando Bloom

If you could have dinner with any celebrity, past or present, who would it be?
Bono! Without a doubt.
The man has everything; he knows how to party but he's also concerned with doing good for the people in the world who most people would rather ignore and forget. He's sexy, fun, smart and last but not least, Irish! I could listen to him talk for hours and hours. Plus, he is sincere and genuinely friendly to people no matter what their station in life. He doesn't have his head up his own arse, as he would say. :)

If I were going to be stranded on a desert Island and could have only three albums to listen to they would be:
U2- Achtung Baby
Greenday - American Idiot
Bowling for soup - a hangover you don't deserve

My personal motto

2006-07-30T17:33:00.000-04:00

~ The only thing harder to let go of than love is hate.

This is something I have learned through my own experiences, but believe me when I say letting go of that hate is the best thing you can ever do for yourself! It's like drinking poison to keep hate inside of you.

More poetry

2006-07-30T00:09:00.000-04:00

A call from the wilderness

My God, My God I search for thee
In every face and every deed
I love you and I fear you
I listen but do I hear you?
Why, God, Am I?
Am I what you want me to be?
How do I know?
Where do I go?
To see you, hear you, feel you
How do I know what you want of me?
How do I know what that is?
I love you God and I know that you love me
But the questions are still there
And you are everywhere
So I ask you, God, to guide me
And to ever be beside me.

All around

A friend asked me once, 'how do you know that God is real?'
And I told her I could only testify to the way I feel.
I hear a child laughing, feel a cool breeze on my face
I see a flower growing and I know God has touched this place.
I see the moon and all the stars , far too m any to keep count
I hear the waves against the shore and I know He is about.
God smiles at me in the autumn leaves and again in the setting sun
He waves hello with a gentle breeze; yes I see God in all the things he’s done.
He is with me everywhere, I need not look too far.
I hear a bird singing, and my heart says “God there you are.”
He is in me, in you; God is all around
He brought you to me and I will not let him down
God is here, beside you.
Can you see him now?
His love echoes in all creation.
Can you hear the sound?
People talking, music in the air...
You ask me where God is, and I say God is everywhere.

Faith

The snow is falling gently outside my window,
I can tell that it is cold,
but it is warm here with him,
he makes me whole.

It may rain, or sleet, or howling winds might stir;
but nothing on the outside can disturb
the warmth, the peace, the quiet inside
for I have heard His word.

Though the floods may threaten,
though the thunder may resound,
Nothing will ever take away
this Peace that I have found.

This world may try it’s best
to change my belief,
but try as they might,
God is my relief.

So outside it may threaten,
to rage and to storm;
no matter how cold the world,
I know God will keep me warm

These are a few of my favorite things....

2006-07-29T02:52:00.000-04:00

I realized today that I spend a lot of time looking for inspiration for my stories.

I am also one of the most opinionated people I know. ;)

As such I decided I would create a spot online where I can share my musings, collect some of the things which spark my imagination and generally just say whatever I feel like. It's my blog, after all, and if you don't like it... well then, why are you here? :)

Let's see...

Favorite Music is an easy one; I'm a huge U2 fan. I had the incredible opportunity to see them in concert five times on their most recent 'vertigo' tour. I've also been fortunate enough to meet all of the band members except for the drummer, Larry Mullen Jr. I hope to change that, though, someday.

Their music covers so many topics and styles and genres - it transcends any sort of definition or pigeon-holing. You can't explain their music in one word, or even one sentence. That is precisely why I adore them so very much.

I have a deep interest in every type of music; I love Johnny Cash and Miles Davis, U2 and George Winston, Harry Connick Jr and Andrea Bocelli. I'm particularly interested in Celtic traditional music at the moment, as well, and have discovered rock-style groups with heavy Celtic folk influences, such as the Pogues and Flogging Molly. If you peek into my CD player you're fairly likely to find the work of an Irish band.

One thing I look for in music, as in just about anything in life, is that it sparks my imagination. The things which do this most vividly are my favorite things; and the products of my imagination I think of as my Emerald Sparks.

My Poetry

2006-07-29T01:11:00.000-04:00

Darkness and daylight

You love the day,
worship the light.
You mourn the setting of the sun,
and hide from the night.

I? I curse the light of day,
though most would praise and cheer.
I say if there were no light,
The dark would hold no fear.

How would we feel about the dark
if the harsh bright sun had never shone?
We would not wish for light!
For we would know the dark, alone.

It is the harsh, stark light of day
which makes the dark of night seem cold.
Dark is bad and light is good,
I have always been told.

But without the dark,
what would be the light?
What would a day mean,
if we had no night?

~L.A. Watkins

UNREQUITED

If this world we're in were perfect,
then I would never need leave your side
If this world we're in were perfect,
then in me you would take pride.

Our world is not perfect,
it's rarely even right.
To make your world easier,
I am leaving you tonight.

Perhaps without me, you will do well,
without me you will thrive.
I don't know how I'll do without you
perhaps I will survive.

I know you do not need me,
I know for each other we are wrong.
Even though I know all this,
I'm glad I had you for this long.

For a brief moment I got to hold you,
for a moment, you were mine.
Although that moment is over,
I'll have the memory for all time.

I know this is what's meant.
I hope your life is long and sweet,
and I look forward to the day
when once again we’ll meet.

~L.A. Watkins

Shadows

You see the shadows in my eyes
and want to chase them away
you think you can save me
and baby, I’m so afraid
because I been down this road
I know how it goes
You’ll give me your everything
But those shadows still show

I don’t want to love you
Because I don’t want to break you
I don’t want to see you cry
Really don’t want to make you

You think I’m sad, I need to be loved
Your love will fix me up inside
You think there’s something more
Something that the shadows hide
Someday you’ll realize there’s nothing more
The shadows are all that is there
Your heart will break when you see
And your love will fade in thin air

I don’t want to love you
Because I don’t want to break you
I don’t want to see you cry
Really don’t want to make you

I wish there was something more
Something beautiful hiding underneath
But I know the shadows are in my soul
And when you see that, you’ll leave
You believe in the power of love
Your soul shines so bright
But my shadows are deep,
and won’t be chased away by your light

Why can’t you believe me when I say
These shadows will never, ever go away?
No, babe, these shadows in my soul
They won’t fade, but they’ll swallow you whole
Run, run away and don’t try to save me
Don’t be the hero, please let that be me
I’ll give up any love that you feel
To know that from my darkness, you’re free

I don’t want to love you
Because I don’t want to break you
I don’t want to see you cry
Really don’t want to make you.

~L.A. Watkins