A blessing, even more than the loss

...that's the way I am trying to face the death of my kitty, Sassy Mae. It was a blessing to have her, and it is a blessing for her not to suffer any more. Some of you know she was diagnosed with a serious heart condition this past summer and that recently she had been having a lot of trouble breathing. She died just after 7 this morning after a difficult night. My mom was comforting her, and heard. I got up to see if there was anything I could do and she let out one last breath as soon as I joined them.

She's been the sweetest animal I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I'm so glad she was mine for the seven years we had together. I know not everyone believes this - but if you've ever had the honor of loving a pet like her, I think you might - I believe she is with God now, and at peace in a way I can not even imagine vividly.

~If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I’d walk straight up to Heaven and bring you home again~


Breathe easy, SassyCat! Have fun in Heaven, and I'll see you again, someday. You are loved, you little furball!

7 weeks

so far being pregnant just sucks

I know, I know, it will be totally worth it in the end, and I'll hardly remember all of the hard stuff but right now?

so - for now, I'm just hanging in there and waiting for the good stuff. I know it'll be alright, in the long run.

A new heartbeat

Recently, my doctor (and several home pregnancy tests before that - none of which I believed) told me that I am going to have a baby. It was, undeniably, a surprise. Are there reasons I should be worried about becoming a mother? Sure. More than one or two, even. The babies father doesn't even live on the same continent as me, for one thing. But I just feel like this baby was meant to be. It certainly beat a lot of odds just being concieved in the first place (I won't go into all the details, in case you were starting to worry ).

It's just meant to be and how can I be anything but happy about it? God has guided me this far in life, and He will continue to guide me now that I'm making decisions for two people instead of just one.

It hasn't seemed quite real to me, yet. There have been some symptoms, a few physical changes which alerted me to some change going on inside of me but it's so new, and it's certainly not obvious to anyone else. In researching this whole 'pregnancy' thing, I've found out that my baby is only about the size of a sesame seed but he/she already has a heartbeat.

How can this be considered anything short of a miracle?

Getting to know you

My boyfriend Gavin came to stay with me here in Michigan for two weeks at the beginning of September. At first, things were a bit awkward - getting to know each other all over again wasn't easy. There were a lot of little misunderstandings - we have rather different ideas about a lot of things. In the end, however, it turned out that we really do like each other - even love each other- just as much as we suspected we did from our months of talking on the phone and such.

There are lots of little things I learned about him which I could never have known without getting the intense face-to-face time of a crash course 'date' which lasted two whole weeks.

I adore his smile, for one. It's one of my favorite things about him. And he's very quiet - and hard to read. I have to directly ask him quite often what he's thinking. (I'm sure that doesn't get annoying! ;)

All in all, however, despite a lot of little plans having to change and a lot of re-arranging, things turned out well. I'm already saving my pennies so that I can go over to England to visit him this spring.

Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been my 9th wedding anniversary. While I realize the fact that following through with the divorce was the right thing to do; today is hard because I can't help but feel like a failure.

I've spent my entire adult life with one goal, to be a good partner to my boyfriend/husband. I was only 17 when we met and I fell in love with him. The last three years have been awful, and it was this past January that I finally realized I could not carry this marriage all by myself. Literally, he hadn't even spent the night in the same house as me for a year and a half at that point. He swore it would get better, that it wasn't over, but at some point you have to realize that broke is broke and there is no fixing it.

The past few months have been encouraging; I'm finding new purpose for my life and finding out that I can do a lot of the things which I had chosen not to because he didn't approve. I got a tattoo and a nose ring, I've been working toward a career as a writer. I listen to the music I like, watch the TV programs I want and dress the way I want to dress. There are a lot of good, empowering things that have come about in the past few months.

But I can't help but mourn for the 21 year old girl who had so many dreams, and who thought they were all coming true when she married her best friend in the world nine years ago today.

In restrospect I can see a lot of flaws that were already there, but at the time I thought we were the perfect couple. We were inseperable, and very much in love. It hurts so much to have something that started out like that turn out like this. And I still don't really understand exactly how it happened.

Life is funny that way, I guess. Sometimes, I guess, all you can do is just ... Walk On.


And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong.
Walk on...

my cute sassy cat

Nose Job

So I finally got the nose piercing today that I'd been wanting since I was 14 years old (more than half my life). Although I did juggle the possibility of a lip or eyebrow piercing, I realized that I had been thinking about the nose piercing specifically for a very long time and that it was the best bet.

The process was really quick and easy, and I'm really happy with the result.

I sat in the chair chatting with the girl for probably about 4 or 5 minutes while she got out all of her sterilized tools; a clamp, a 16 gauge needle, cotton balls, the jewelry itself etc...

then she cleaned the side of my nose with rubbing alcohol, marked the spot with a surgical marker and showed me in the mirror so I could tell her if I prefered it somewhere else, but she had it placed perfectly the first time

then she used the clamp to keep my nostril open and still/taut

then I closed my eyes when she had the needle and asked if I was ready, because having someone doing something that close to my eyes freaks me out - I tend to close my eyes when getting a haircut even

but she told me to take a deep breath and breath deeply and slowly and then there was a little pressure which lasted maybe 2 or 3 seconds, a sharp sting that was over in 1 or 2 seconds and then I had to wait for maybe 30 seconds more while she threaded the actual jewelry into place.

she cleaned off the little bit of blood, showed me a mirror and gave me after-care instructions. I think the whole thing lasted no more than 10 or 15 minutes tops, and most of that was simple switching from one tool to another, washing, or things of that sort.

She was very friendly and sweet, and said I was a very good customer. And as far as the pain goes, I don't think it really hurt much more than plucking my eyebrows does It did make my eyes water though.