The End...

The divorce proceedings are tomorrow.

I didn't know it was going to hit me like this.

I feel ... I don't know, it's an awful combination of things. Hurt, broken-hearted, lost, like a failure.

I've been with Mark since I was 17, he left almost exactly three years ago, stayed over night once or twice a week for another year, and since then we've seen less and less of each other. But in the years we were together, things were really good. I loved him so much and I really, truly believed it was forever.

Tonight I'm sleeping in the same room I did on the night before my wedding - and tomorrow morning I'll get up, put on a black dress (melodramatic? me? maybe a little I figure I wore an ivory dress for the wedding, so why not ) and then Mark and I will go together to court to stand up and say we don't want our lives to be tied to one another anymore.

I'll still see him - I even truly feel like we will be friends. It's not about HIM, exactly... just, the death of all of the dreams, hopes and plans of my youth

I wouldn't want to be with him, now - it isn't right, with everything that has come between us. There were a lot of lies in the past few years, and I don't think I could ever trust him again. But that doesn't mean I don't still love him, in a way.

He's looked out for me financially, despite all of the other shit, for one thing. He made a promise to take care of me, and that part of the bargain he has kept steadfastly.

But he could not or would not be a husband in any other way. Psychologically speaking, I have identified many different reasons for that from his life. It doesn't really help me, though.

So, in a way, tonight is the end. The proverbial 'death' of one 'me' and tomorrow I will be reborn, a new person with new goals, new needs, and new responsibilities.

It's all been happening little by little, and I think I'm doing well. I even have someone to start over with, a man I already love and am looking forward to seeing where our relationship might go, now that we can have one. But there is just something about making it official that has stirred up all of the grief again.

I need to let go.

I suppose, really, that that is exactly what [I]this[/I] is. The eulogy of the old me, my old self, my old life. Goodbye to the dreams of my youth, the family I tried so hard to make, goodbye to a love that shone so brightly for awhile and which burned me so badly in the end.

But good-bye, The End, isn't so bad. In fact, the cliche's are true after all - good-bye leads to hello, the end of one thing is the beginning of another, one door closes and another opens etc...

So tonight I suppose it's only right that I mourn the past, but tomorrow I will not only say good-bye to my old life, but hello to a whole new life.


~'I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.' - Lewis Carroll