Today would have been my 9th wedding anniversary. While I realize the fact that following through with the divorce was the right thing to do; today is hard because I can't help but feel like a failure.
I've spent my entire adult life with one goal, to be a good partner to my boyfriend/husband. I was only 17 when we met and I fell in love with him. The last three years have been awful, and it was this past January that I finally realized I could not carry this marriage all by myself. Literally, he hadn't even spent the night in the same house as me for a year and a half at that point. He swore it would get better, that it wasn't over, but at some point you have to realize that broke is broke and there is no fixing it.
The past few months have been encouraging; I'm finding new purpose for my life and finding out that I can do a lot of the things which I had chosen not to because he didn't approve. I got a tattoo and a nose ring, I've been working toward a career as a writer. I listen to the music I like, watch the TV programs I want and dress the way I want to dress. There are a lot of good, empowering things that have come about in the past few months.
But I can't help but mourn for the 21 year old girl who had so many dreams, and who thought they were all coming true when she married her best friend in the world nine years ago today.
In restrospect I can see a lot of flaws that were already there, but at the time I thought we were the perfect couple. We were inseperable, and very much in love. It hurts so much to have something that started out like that turn out like this. And I still don't really understand exactly how it happened.
Life is funny that way, I guess. Sometimes, I guess, all you can do is just ... Walk On.
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong.
Walk on...
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
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